Just One Yesterday - Fall Out Boy

I've been listening to Fall Out Boy's Save Rock and Roll album since my TX bestie found it on the internet. I popped it back into the rotation on the cd player this week, and as I was driving home from work Saturday night, "Just One Yesterday" came on. As I was belting it out these particular lyrics hit me right in the gut:

If I spilled my guts
The world would never look at you the same way
And now I'm here to give you all my love
So I can watch your face as I take it all away, away, away, ay ay ay

Those are some deep lyrics. 

And some that hit a little too close to home for me. I've been in that position before. I may have even uttered words very similar to those. 

As I pulled into my parking lot and realized that I don't think I've ever actually listened to the lyrics of this song. I waited until late Sunday to play the song for myself, this time TRULY listening to the lyrics. 

I sat on the floor, with my back against the wall, stunned. 

This song describes my first relationship in a nutshell. My first relationship, ever, wasn't until I was in college. It was extremely dysfunctional, highly destructive, and sometimes abusive. More so verbal and emotional, over physical. (Although that happened until I fought back.) It took me 9 years to finally fully leave. 

9 years?

Off and on again over the course of 9 years, I would go back. Until you're in a situation like that, I guess you can't fully understand when someone tells you that they really don't know why they kept going back. I knew what to expect there. It was familiar. There were times that I started to believe what he said about not being able to do better. Even today, it's hard not to believe it. The only difference is that today, I don't go back. 

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you
Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

In my situation, those words were so true. There were things that I did during that time that I'm not proud of. There are things that I did because I felt like I had no other choice. I felt like if I didn't do them, I would be tossed aside. I felt that if I didn't do them, I'd be rejected, just as I would have been if I left because of what I had done.

It was a double-edged sword, just like those lyrics say. Anything I said was held against me. Being associated with him was held against me. I couldn't win. 

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

Even for as horribly as he could mess with my head, on some level he did care about me. If I had a problem, he would put aside his agenda to take care of it, to offer a shoulder, to offer advice. After I finally told him that I couldn't do it anymore, the look on his face when he left my apartment was one I'll never forget. It was the first time I had genuinely seen him look sad. 

Some days, I feel as if I would trade things for one more yesterday, if it was a good one. 

Then I remember that to get to that one good yesterday, I'd have to go through too many bad ones. I'd rather live my todays, as they are shaping up to be more awesome than I could have imagined when this song fit my life so perfectly.