What's Beautiful?

I find that writing things out tends to help me process things better, so this post is mainly just for me. (And anyone who chooses to read it...) In my adult life, I've only had two relationships that weren't relationships strictly based on sex. (My current one and one that I had about 8 years ago.) I was never really asked out on dates, so I chose to seek male companionship in the form of many friends with benefits. Needless to say, I've always had some body image issues because of it. I've never found myself attractive, and I know I can stand to drop a few pounds. I've always made up for it by being loyal, funny, and just a fun person to be around. (I took a random survey for those, I'm not bragging...too much.)

My current boyfriend (E) is a massive flirt. Sometimes I can take it, and then sometimes it gets to the point that it makes me a little uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable because I hear or see (online) him comment to other women on their attractiveness. The only time that I've gotten him to tell me he thinks I'm attractive are when I ask him, after the insecurity creeps in during these situations. I take that back, there was one other time, when we were both on our way to drunk in New Orleans...he looked at me and said, "You know I think you're beautiful, right?" I just chugged my drink because I didn't have the heart to tell him that he had never told me that, so how was I supposed to know.

It's become a joke among my friends that after he's been flirting with his female friends online that I get a text message from him saying that I make him happy. This is accurate about 90% of the time. Today was one of those days. (I'm not proud of how not pretty this gets) Before I can even think, I've already sent him a text saying that one day it would be nice to hear that when he isn't in the middle of flirting with multiple women. (I know. I can be a bitch sometimes.) I just started wondering if "you make me happy" is more of a "well, at least you got something going for you". I go to a very not so good headspace at this point, and begin to wonder if the reason he hasn't invited me to hang out with his friends is because he's embarrassed to be seen with me because I'm just that unattractive. (Not because I can be a bitch at times, or because I tend to get diarrhea of the mouth when I'm around, well, anyone.) I started crying after my workout because there really isn't much that I can do to change my physical appearance. Then, Jesse McCartney came on my playlist and I heard this:

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul, yeah

Maybe that's where the disconnect lies between us. Maybe I'm too focused on what E thinks about the outside, when he's more concerned with what's on the inside. How would you describe a beautiful person? I finished my workout with a whole new mindset and a different ideal of beautiful to strive for. I'd much rather be known for a kind heart, being a supportive friend, loyalty, genuine, honest, intelligent, fun to be around, a great sense of humor, considerate, strong, and someone who not only respects others, but respects herself as well.