I've never really thought of myself as a jealous person. Sure, I have jealous tendencies, who doesn't? But having some tendencies, doesn't really make you a jealous person, does it?
When we first got together, E made it very clear that it didn't matter if his closeness with female friends made me uncomfortable, he would always chose them over me because his ex-wife had made him stop talking to anyone she didn't like, and after the divorce he had to rebuild friendships. I understood that until I realized just how much he and his female friends would talk about sex, different sexual acts, and the extreme amount of flirtation that went on, just on social media where I could actually see it. It made me uncomfortable, so I asked him if he would at least not talk about sex with his female friends. He told me I was over-reacting. It wasn't until one of my friends commented on it, that he took a step back and realized that it had gotten more out of hand than he originally thought with a certain female friend. He deleted the conversation, and apologized to me, but the damage to me was already done.
When the constant online conversations with this girl continued, even of a non-sexual nature, it upset me. It upset me more because he had already discounted my feelings on the sex talk, and it made me less trusting of any conversation that he would have with her. This is an issue that has come up a multiple times in our relationship. He always responds with the only thing he can think of to do is to stop talking to everyone. I always respond with, "It's not everyone that bothers me, just one person." Until recently, he has refused to stop. He's started to understand that it bothers me more that he will go out of his way to interact with her. So he's told me that he won't interact with her on a personal level, and will only speak to her if spoken to first. This is the first time that I've ever really thought that maybe I could be jealous.
E and I are both fully aware of the editing that goes on in reality shows, but he couldn't get over Mai-Lee's jealousy, which earned her the nickname #greeneyedmonster. (We both love that each person got their own hashtag on the show, and that's how we reference them when we're discussing it.) I think his fascination had to do with how much she reminds him of his ex-wife. My fascination is how much of me that I see in her. When they did the couples swap and Mai-Lee went off about how she wanted to skip rocks with Tomas when he was skipping rocks with Sofia, I fully understood! (Side note: I have mad love for Mai-Lee!)
There are plenty of times that I ask E why is so comfortable talking about certain things with other females, but when I try to have those conversations, he shuts down on me. E also spends a good portion of his time connected to his phone to chat with his friends via social media. When we first started dating and would watch sports together, I would make a comment on something that happened in the game, and then 5 minutes later he would comment on it. I would always tell him that if he wasn't so focused on his friends in the phone, he would have heard me say that 5 minutes ago. I can admit that even now, I'm a little jealous of E's online friends. I'm jealous because he shares more with them than he does with me. I'm jealous because he'd rather live tweet a game with them than watch the game with me. (Even when I'm in the same room or house) I'm jealous that he's more concerned with making them feel appreciated than he is with making me feel appreciated. I'm jealous that if it comes down to it, he'll always side with them over me.
I can admit it. I'm right there with Mai-Lee in my #greeneyedmonster-ness. E and I have made strides in all of the areas mentioned above, but I still have strides to make on my own. We've compromised on the amount of time he spends chatting with his online friends when we're together. (Very early on, I set the rule of no phones while in bed because if not, I would fall asleep while he was still chatting with them.) He's gotten to the point that he says he would rather watch a game with me than live tweet it with his friends. (He still sneaks off to get some tweets off, so I think I'm going to tell him that he can have certain innings with his friends, so he doesn't feel so disconnected.) The truth is that both of our lives have been inconvenienced (for lack of a better word) by this relationship. I'm trying to get over my jealousy so we can move forward together.
Next up, in Part 2, how Sofia, Gloria and Mai-Lee have helped show me how much I struggle with insecurity.
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