Weekend Update

This weekend was crazy busy! Friday night, my bestie and I went to an Astros game. It was fireworks with a boyband theme, so it screamed our names! E met us at the ballpark after work, too. Saturday, kiddo, my folks and I went to the local botanical garden. Sunday, I participated in the Mini-Masters sponsored by our local Children's Museum. The Mini-Masters is a miniature golf tournament that they put on as a fundraiser. I discovered this last year and thought it would be a fun thing to do. I was right, and made a point to sign up early to compete this year. Here are some pictures of the crazy awesome weekend:

This is going to be my last summer to have "adult" fun. Kiddo is getting older, and soon my vacations will revolve around her. We're taking a family vacation this year, but my bestie and I have decided to make it the summer of concerts. We'll be seeing The Wanted, 10 Years, Back Street Boys and One Direction. There are also some tickets to Astros games up there too. We call it our ticket board. 

 

Orbit, the Astros mascot! I love mascots, and I think Orbit is just adorable!

Pretty sweet seats. The people in front of us tried to steal our awesome golf umbrellas. I was ready to thrown down if they did. 

FIREWORKS! 

These are my new favorite flower. They remind me of Christmas. 

<3

My swag from the tourney! 

I placed third at the Mini-Masters! I hadn't been on a mini-golf course since last year's tournament and managed to drop my score and place high enough to get a trophy! 

Hope everyone had a great weekend! There are big things brewing around here for next week. We have a family day trip planned for Tuesday, and then E comes in for the weekend. Sunday, E meets the folks, but most importantly, E meets kiddo. E is very excited about it. I'm very nervous! Updates after! 

Throwback to My First Race

#tbtstories - Starting line of the Crescent City Classic 2010

I've never really been a runner. Even though I was an athlete in college, I hated running. The college I went to had a required PE class that was referred to as "the mile and a half class" because that was what the bulk of your grade depending on, how fast you could run a mile and a half. I've never been fast. I did every extra credit assignment possible and prayed that I would "run" my mile and a half in a fast enough time so I wouldn't have to take the course again. (That was not unheard of.)

Many years after college, I was dating a guy and things were great. I thought I was in love, and we'd been together for a while, so I began to let myself go a little bit. I stopped working out every day. I stopped pre-planning my meals and counting my calories. I was definitely not packaging ziplocs with individual servings of Cheetos and Chips A-Hoys anymore. When this guy dumped me by telling me I wasn't "marriage material", I was devastated. It became a free for all as far as junk food was concerned. Before I knew it, I was almost 300 pounds.

One day, I decided that things needed to change. Since I wasn't in near the physical condition I was coming out of college, I decided that I would begin walking. Walking eventually led to me jogging a little bit. (A nice jog/walk combo.) I decided that I needed something to hold me accountable to this new workout plan I was undergoing and did something completely crazy. I signed up for a 10K. Not just any 10K, one that apparently is a Boston Marathon qualifier, so all of these crazy awesome runners from Kenya would be competing. Granted, it's in New Orleans, so there are also lots of people drinking their way through 6.2 miles, but it was a little crazy. I had never participated in an organized race before. I didn't have any friends who were entering the race. It was just me. HOLY CRAP!

I printed the training calendar that the NOLA paper puts out, and began to follow that training guide religiously. I also started taking some of the group fitness classes to help me get used to doing anything physical in front of other people. (I had found the hidden treadmill where nobody worked out at the gym so I could get my miles in without anyone seeing me.) Then the weekend of the Crescent City Classic came. My family came to NOLA to support me, and also my trusty pocket travel gnome, Maddox (who ran the race with me!) The race wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. According to my runner friends, I kept pace very well for a beginner. I even finished the race faster than expected! (It's not really a GREAT time, but for me it was still exciting. I'm EXTREMELY slow!)

I met some awesome people along the race course (as seen below), and "ran" in many more races after this one. The last race I did was almost 3 years ago (it was 4 months after I had my daughter) and I haven't decided if I'm going to get back into the racing world. My job doesn't leave me a whole lot of time for it, but perhaps I'll at least start getting some miles in a few times a week. I've set my workout calendar for next month to include some long walks, and who knows, maybe they'll turn into jog/walks. Until next time, enjoy some more pictures of me and Maddox participating in our first road race.

     

"Are you with Travelocity?" "I wish."     

 

 Overheard - "OMG! She has a gnome! That's so cool!" 

                     

              

Random Runner: "Nobody will notice if we don't go around the circle."

Me: "God will." 

  

"Hey, your gnome has a race bib! Cool!"       

 

 Not the best time, but better than the 1:45 we expected! 

Reality TV Lessons - Marriage Bootcamp (Part 2)

I've always been a little insecure about my appearance. I have an ovary condition that causes hair loss (my hair is naturally curly, thin and fine as it is, thanks to this I also have a nice bald spot), my face breaks out ridiculously during that time of the month, I'm pretty plain looking, and I've always thought of myself as being overweight. Now, I can look at myself and see that high school and college me was NOT over weight AT ALL. I'm put on some weight post-baby, and I've accepted that this seems to be the weight that my body is comfortable at. However, like most women, I still feel I could stand to drop 5-10 pounds. (Or perhaps 20...) My insecurity is what has led to me being very uncomfortable with the amount of flirting that E does.

E is a major flirt. He's also the guy that you want to go to if you want a guy to tell you that you look good in an outfit. Post a selfie and ask if it looks bad, and E is right there to tell you that you look amazing. Post a picture asking an opinion on the outfit you're trying on and E is jumping on it to tell you how great you look in it. Post a head shot selfie, and E is instantly telling you how pretty you are. Unless you happen to be me. The first time E told me he found me attractive was after 6 months of dating, and we were drunk in New Orleans. He turned to look at me and said, "You know I think you're beautiful, right?" I chugged my drink because I didn't have the heart to tell him the real answer to his question. The second (and only other) time he's told me he thinks I'm beautiful is when he was trying to make me feel better after I called him out on his flirting. While I appreciate that, it's not the same as someone you love telling you that unprovoked, and sober.

The other day, I thought maybe if I tried dressing like these girls that he seems to find attractive, maybe I could get a compliment out of him. I went over to his house, dressed cute (for me) and he opened the door and said, "You're wearing real clothes." (I usually wear sweats when I'm not working.) The next day, I put on a cute top and a skirt and when I walked out of the bathroom, he said, "You're wearing real clothes, again." He spent the rest of the day asking me why I was wearing real clothes. Not the compliment I was looking for. Much like Gloria in this week's episode of Marriage Bootcamp, his reaction has a huge effect the physical side of our relationship. The second day, he started to ask me why I wasn't wanting to cuddle or hold hands. I wanted to say, "Well, I just tried dressing up for you, and it's still apparently not good enough!"

There are many times where, like Sofia, I've tried to initiate sex, only to be pushed away or shot down. Rejection is tough, y'all. When you make an effort with the clothing, and it fails....then make an effort to initiate the sex, and get rejected, it begins to eat at your insecurities. (Well, maybe it tends to eat at my insecurities.) As Mai-Lee said when Tomas said he likes the lights on, I never fully undress for E (even in the bedroom) because I'm afraid he's looking at all the parts that could stand to lose a few more pounds and is wishing that he had someone better than me.

My own insecurity has caused issues in my relationship. I know that E loves me, and I don't doubt him when he says he does. I never really noticed I was as insecure as I was until this relationship, and seeing other women (who are gorgeous!) struggle with the same insecurities, makes me feel less alone. E doesn't understand why it bothers me to see him flirt with other women. I think in his mind, he's coming home with me, and he loves me, so he doesn't feel that he needs to say anything to help boost my ego. I wish I could say that I didn't need him to, but I do. Every once in a while, I need to hear him say that he finds me attractive. Sometimes I need him to actually tell me what he likes about me. Sometimes, as Billy Joel would say, I need him to tell me about it! As they say on Girl Code, it's ok to have insecurities, just don't let them take over your life. That's the hard part for me.  

Reality TV Lessons - Marriage Bootcamp (Part 1)

I've never really thought of myself as a jealous person. Sure, I have jealous tendencies, who doesn't? But having some tendencies, doesn't really make you a jealous person, does it?

 When we first got together, E made it very clear that it didn't matter if his closeness with female friends made me uncomfortable, he would always chose them over me because his ex-wife had made him stop talking to anyone she didn't like, and after the divorce he had to rebuild friendships. I understood that until I realized just how much he and his female friends would talk about sex, different sexual acts, and the extreme amount of flirtation that went on, just on social media where I could actually see it. It made me uncomfortable, so I asked him if he would at least not talk about sex with his female friends. He told me I was over-reacting. It wasn't until one of my friends commented on it, that he took a step back and realized that it had gotten more out of hand than he originally thought with a certain female friend. He deleted the conversation, and apologized to me, but the damage to me was already done.

When the constant online conversations with this girl continued, even of a non-sexual nature, it upset me. It upset me more because he had already discounted my feelings on the sex talk, and it made me less trusting of any conversation that he would have with her. This is an issue that has come up a multiple times in our relationship. He always responds with the only thing he can think of to do is to stop talking to everyone. I always respond with, "It's not everyone that bothers me, just one person." Until recently, he has refused to stop. He's started to understand that it bothers me more that he will go out of his way to interact with her. So he's told me that he won't interact with her on a personal level, and will only speak to her if spoken to first. This is the first time that I've ever really thought that maybe I could be jealous.

E and I are both fully aware of the editing that goes on in reality shows, but he couldn't get over Mai-Lee's jealousy, which earned her the nickname #greeneyedmonster. (We both love that each person got their own hashtag on the show, and that's how we reference them when we're discussing it.) I think his fascination had to do with how much she reminds him of his ex-wife. My fascination is how much of me that I see in her. When they did the couples swap and Mai-Lee went off about how she wanted to skip rocks with Tomas when he was skipping rocks with Sofia, I fully understood! (Side note: I have mad love for Mai-Lee!)

There are plenty of times that I ask E why is so comfortable talking about certain things with other females, but when I try to have those conversations, he shuts down on me. E also spends a good portion of his time connected to his phone to chat with his friends via social media. When we first started dating and would watch sports together, I would make a comment on something that happened in the game, and then 5 minutes later he would comment on it. I would always tell him that if he wasn't so focused on his friends in the phone, he would have heard me say that 5 minutes ago. I can admit that even now, I'm a little jealous of E's online friends. I'm jealous because he shares more with them than he does with me. I'm jealous because he'd rather live tweet a game with them than watch the game with me. (Even when I'm in the same room or house) I'm jealous that he's more concerned with making them feel appreciated than he is with making me feel appreciated. I'm jealous that if it comes down to it, he'll always side with them over me.

I can admit it. I'm right there with Mai-Lee in my #greeneyedmonster-ness. E and I have made strides in all of the areas mentioned above, but I still have strides to make on my own. We've compromised on the amount of time he spends chatting with his online friends when we're together. (Very early on, I set the rule of no phones while in bed because if not, I would fall asleep while he was still chatting with them.) He's gotten to the point that he says he would rather watch a game with me than live tweet it with his friends. (He still sneaks off to get some tweets off, so I think I'm going to tell him that he can have certain innings with his friends, so he doesn't feel so disconnected.) The truth is that both of our lives have been inconvenienced (for lack of a better word) by this relationship. I'm trying to get over my jealousy so we can move forward together.

Next up, in Part 2, how Sofia, Gloria and Mai-Lee have helped show me how much I struggle with insecurity. 

Reality TV Lessons

I was talking to a friend yesterday and we were joking about how much I watch reality TV, the variety of shows that I watch, and for how long this "obsession" has been going on. She told me that it's crazy that I can offer advice for most situations based off of something I've seen on a reality TV show. I said, "Because reality TV has taught me so much about myself!"

I've had similar conversations with multiple people and they all laugh when I say reality TV has taught me about myself. They just can't comprehend that "stupid" or "mindless" shows can actually make me see things about myself that I haven't noticed. "You have a Master's degree! You're too smart for that!" There are many different vehicles that can be used to show us insights into ourselves and our personalities that we can't see on our own: songs, books, quotes, movies, etc. Mine happens to be reality TV, and I think it's because of the edited overexageration of the personalities that helps me make the connection to the muted reality in my own life.

After rattling off a few shows (by "a few" I mean "many...many....") and what I've taken away from them, my friend told me that if I wrote a book about what reality TV has taught me about myself, she would check it out from the library. (Not pay for it, but she'd at least read it.) I told her I didn't think it was really "book worthy", so she told me to take it to the blog because she was curious to see some of what I told her last night explained in more detail. So, over the next few weeks, months, however long it takes, I will be offering some snippets into what I've learned about myself from reality TV. This could get interesting.

#TBTStories

While I was at work yesterday, I noticed that one of the bloggers I follow on Twitter, Jessica Turner, tweeted out something about doing Throwback Thursday Stories on her blog. I've never really gotten into the whole #TBT business, but I thought this idea was brilliant! I love telling stories about my pictures, and I'm down with this because it's different. So, with that in mind, let me share with you about the Disney vacation that I took with my parents when I was 24.

Back in 2007, I talked my parents into going on a Disney vacation with me. I told them that this was to make up for them only taking me before I was old enough to really form memories of our trip there. (To be honest, all I remember is Figment from Epcot.) The only story my parents really tell about our first trip to Disney was how I could have potentially gotten kidnapped. My dad and my brother had gone on the Dumbo ride, and my brother got sick. A lady noticed my mother was concerned, and offered to watch me for my mom while she took care of my brother. My mom told her that my dad was with him, but thanked her for the offer. When we got to the hotel room that night, they saw on the news that a woman with a similar description had kidnapped a child with a similar description to me from the parks that day. Crazy, right?

So over 20 years later, I asked my parents if they wanted to relive the magic of a Disney vacation with me. My parents agreed. We split costs, but my parents had a major surprise for me. I had requested that we do some character dining because, after all, it's Disney. Why wouldn't we do character dining? (I'm similar to Peter Pan in the sense that I don't think I'll ever fully grow up.) Our first night at Disney, my parents kept talking about the place we had reservations at.It wasn't one that excited me much by the description, but I told myself to keep an open mind. When we got there, I didn't see any characters, so I was a little bummed. My mom was looking around as if she were looking for someone, but she kept saying she was just seeing what was on other people's plates. (It's a very "us" thing to do, even at a buffet restaurant like this.) Then I saw my mom's eyes light up and she poked my dad. I turned around to where they were looking at, and then I saw him...my absolute favorite Disney character, Tigger with all of his friends from the Hundred Acre Wood!

I had to contain myself from jumping out of my seat and knocking over small children to get to him. I mean, I was a grown adult, so I had to at least appear to be responsible, right? I had a small Mike the Tiger (LSU's mascot) that traveled with me and I managed to flag Tigger down with that. He came over and hugged Mike, then hugged me, and my inner 5 year old squealed as I asked him if we could take a picture together. He was thrilled to! (I mean, he had to be, right?) My mom snapped this photo which is one of my favorites from any family vacation:

Doesn't Tigger look SUPER happy to be taking a picture with an adult and a stuffed animal? 

Even though we did a more adult version of a Disney vacation (translation - no rides), it is one of my favorite vacations that I've taken with my parents as an adult. I can't wait to be able to take my daughter there, both as a child and hopefully as an adult, so we can laugh while enjoying Mickey-shaped pancakes for breakfast as we discuss our time spent traveling around the world at Epcot the day before. 

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Easter!

I had planned on using spring as an excuse to attempt to make my first homemade wreath. I have wreaths for almost every holiday, but I didn't have anything for spring. I keep seeing online that making your own wreaths is easy, so I figured, why not try to make one. After I had gotten supplies to make one, my apartment complex sent out a notice that they were having an Easter door decorating contest. I soon realized that my initial plan needed to be upped a little bit. After all, the winner gets $50 off of May's rent!

So I began scouring Pinterest. Isn't that where all women go for inspiration? I began seeing these adorable wreaths made of plastic Easter eggs! (Click on the pic to check out where the inspiration came from!)

I mean, who wouldn't want to make one of these?!

Then I saw this and was DETERMINED to have one: 

So, I go to Michael's and apparently blackout. Before I know it, I get to the register and have $40 worth of items in my basket. I can admit that I shot too high on the peep. The styrofoam and I got into a HUGE fight, and it was so ugly that I didn't want to share those pics with the world. The wreath and I also got into a fight, but it wasn't as bad. 

So, I thought I could do this inside my apartment...

I'm clearly an amateur. 

It doesn't seem that bad, right? 

To help not to get too stressed over how my adhesive had me sticking to everything, 

I brought out some baseball to watch/listen to. 

I've had these eggs for a while, but I thought a pinwheel would be a nice touch. 

Tada! I thought this was an homage to the peep that never happened. 

But I know the wreath, by itself, was not enough. I needed something else to help make it extra special. So, I decided it needed something else. 

I used the foam eggs and foam to make some peeps!

The finished product! 

My door came out a lot better than I thought it would. I had thought about doing something else, but I think it would be too much. I need to go let the office know that we are officially entering the contest. Fingers crossed that I get the big prize! It's not exactly Pinterest worthy, but I'm proud of it. 

Living So That, Week 1, Part 4

DISCLOSURE: Over the next 5 weeks there will be posts related to a Bible study that I'm currently doing. For those of you who aren't into that kind of thing, please feel free to skip over them. I'll try to post other parts of my crazy adventures for your enjoyment. FYI, expect to see a post about my latest attempts at Easter decorating next week. **

Yesterday's lesson hit me very hard. It brought up something that I've spent a good portion of my life doing, and these words really hit home for me:

Physical change alone will never truly give you a fresh start.

That was very hard for me to grasp, but very necessary for me to hear. It's not that I've made many moves in my life, but the moves I have made all came with the intent of having a fresh start. The first move was from home to college, a traditional move for a fresh start to independence that most people go through. Whether that move be to college, to a new job, or just out of their parents house, most people have the initial move towards independence. After college, I moved to a different city, ready to begin my professional life. When things weren't going as I had hoped, both personally and professionally, I moved to a different state and changed career paths. When my life got turned upside down and I became a single parent, I moved again, closer to home, but across the state border from it. 

Each of these moves was me trying to start over and recreate myself to be a better version of the person I was in the last place. Sometimes the version wasn't so much better, but different, but the goal was the same. The goal was to start over where nobody knew my past, nobody could judge me from my past, and I could become the person I wanted to be. But that doesn't come with just a change of scenery. Ezekiel 36:26-27 says, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws." 

This book pointed out (very loudly) that the three things I've been moving to find, Christ can offer me: (1) a new beginning, (2) a new standing, and (3) a new future. Wow. What a hard hitting point. Thanks, Wendy! It turns out that I don't need to keep moving to find what I want. As Bon Jovi would say, who says you can't go home? 

I Must Be Crazy

Today I did something that proved I must be crazy. I've decided to enter our apartment complexes door decorating contest. The winner gets $50 off of next month's rent. I went to Michael's to get some supplies and sort of blacked out. I got to the register and ended up spending $40. I don't know what happened. I have part of my door done, and once it's complete, I'll be posting the final product! I'm so excited about it! But that's not the crazy part...

The college I work at is having our Kid's Club day out at baseball the first weekend in May. E was planning on coming to see me that weekend, but I want kiddo to be able to go hang out with the mascot. (She loves the mascot!) So, I sent E a text telling him that I was going to make him an offer, and he had the opportunity to say no if he wanted to. I told him that I was inviting my parents to bring kiddo up to the ballpark to the game, and since he would be here, he was more than welcome to join us, or he could stay at my apartment, totally his choice. I also gave him the option of not coming down to see me that weekend. To my surprise, he responds with, "I'll go to the game :)" I don't respond right away, partly because I'm in shock and partly because I'm picking up lunch, and then I get, "I love you".

I called my parents and of course, the first thing my mom says is, "It hasn't been a year, yet." E and I have been dating for 7 months. I had originally said that I would never let someone meet my parents or kiddo until after a year. I don't know what made me ask him if he wanted to meet them. I guess I felt that would be an easier setting than just one-on-one because kiddo would be distracted and not really care, and there would be baseball that he and my dad could watch during awkward silences. Maybe it was my fear about meeting his family at his law school graduation that made me think I should ask him to meet mine? I don't know why I did it, but the truth is, I do want him to meet them. I want them to meet him. I'm scared and nervous, but I guess I should be concerned if I wasn't.

So, internet, was this one of the craziest decisions I could have made?

Living So That - Week 1, Part 1-3

DISCLOSURE: Over the next 5 weeks there will be posts related to a Bible study that I'm currently doing. For those of you who aren't into that kind of thing, please feel free to skip over them. I'll try to post other parts of my crazy adventures for your enjoyment. FYI, there will be multiple cooking and craft attempts coming up soon. **

I went into this Bible study not fully anticipating that God would speak to me during the intro to the book! If this is any indication, it seems that God is going to give me a hard look at my heart. To hold myself accountable to the completing the study, I wanted to share with y'all at the end of the week the lessons that God has taught me. There were some big ones just in the first week!

- We need to make the study of God's word intentional. I'm a master of making to-do list and then pushing things off to the next day (or week) because it isn't a high priority. While this study focuses on being intentional in the study of God's word, it made me realize that there are many areas of my life where I'm not living it intentionally. I say that I'm going to call, e-mail, or text friends, but then weeks or months go by before I realize that I haven't. I say that I'm going to read a chapter a day in whatever book I'm on the Game of Thrones series (currently A Feast for Crows), but some days I'm not making an intentional effort to get that chapter in. I say that I'm going to exercise 5 days a week, and while I've made more of an intentional effort to do so lately, it's been a process to get to that point. I want the things I do with my life to have purpose, and do that, I must make an effort to live my life with intent.

- "If we can so easily remember catchy lyrics and memorable movie lines, how much more should we seek to remember the words of our Lord and Savior?" WOW! This is the line from the intro that really spoke to me. My friends all make fun of my insane ability to remember song lyrics after hearing a song just one time. Back in the day, I was in Bible Drill, and had memorized tons of scriptures. I can still quote a good many of them, but it's become more difficult. I guess this goes back to that whole being intentional thing. I haven't made an intentional effort to memorize God's word. I do make an effort to memorize song lyrics. Songs speak to me more than just words, so I have plenty of hymns memorized, but it's not the same as knowing the actual scriptures that the hymns are based on. I need to be more intentional not just in learning God's word, but committing it to memory.

- The law, specifically the Ten Commandments, pointed out people's sin, thereby making them aware of it. WHOA! This one was a hard pill to swallow because I don't like having my faults pointed out to me. This statement made me rethink how I view the pointing out of my faults and how I go about pointing out the faults in others. It's one thing to criticize, it's a different thing to point faults out in a loving way as to make someone aware of them. Many times we are blinded to our own sin, and we don't become aware of it until someone points it out to us. God didn't give us these laws to set us up for failure because he knew that we would want to do them more knowing they were forbidden. He gave them to us to point out our shortcomings to help set us up for success in the future.

- The biggest thing that I've gotten out of these three days is that the motivation behind someone's confession didn't matter to him. When the thief on the cross next to him confessed, Christ didn't care about his motivation. How many times am I more concerned with what motivates someone to apologize to me rather than just accepting their apology? Answer: ALL THE TIME! I try to focus on the why and on them more than focusing on me doing what I should do.

I was only planning to do this at the end of every week, but the first two days hit me so hard that if I wait until the end of the week, these posts will go on forever.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son [so] that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life." - John 3:16

Epic Chinese Cooking Adventure

I am one of the self-proclaimed worst cooks in America. My friends in college nicknamed me Betty Crocker because I burnt a poptart in the microwave. I've slowly honed my skills, and am fairly decent at cooking certain things: spaghetti, pancakes, and I can order pizza like a boss! Since having kiddo, I've been trying to get better at this cooking thing. A few years ago, I made it a New Year's resolution to try and cook one meal a week. (I ate LOTS of pasta...) I found this honey walnut shrimp recipe on Pinterest and have been drooling over it for months! Since I was going to have some time off from work this weekend, I decided to make the boyfriend my guinea pig (he usually is) and attempt to make an epic Chinese feast. (All recipes were found on Pinterest, and are linked for your enjoyment!)

It all started with the desire to make some crab rangoon. I've made a recipe similar to this before, so I was fairly confident going into this recipe.

Seems simple enough, right? The most "difficult" part was the making the large wonton wrappers into mini-ones. (The mini ones had a sell by date of March 13, 2014, and I wasn't willing to tempt fate, so I bought the big ones.) These take some time, but are really simple.

I'm originally from Louisiana, so I felt Tony's was a perfect substitute for paprika. (I also thought I had paprika, but I don't. Oops!)

You can't tell, but it took me almost an entire inning to get those bad boys prepped for the oven. (Also, you can tell that I have a highly cluttered, unorganized kitchen.) 

Simple, and oh so tasty! 

What's up next? Take a guess....

If you guessed fried rice, then you are correct! It looks like I'm also putting some cheese puffs and frosting in there by this picture, but don't be too concerned about my ideas of quality food, those just happen to be there. 

Look at that! I made fried rice! I don't know why I thought it was so much more difficult than it was. I modified the recipe to fit with what I already had, and it turned out just fine. Look at me getting all fancy in the kitchen! 

Now it's time for the big challenge. The honey walnut shrimp that I've been drooling over and fantasizing about for months. I didn't read the recipe in advance, so I wasn't prepared for all of the steps involved. 

See my stations? The shrimp plate (the last were in the pan at this point), the egg station, the cornstarch station, the sugar coated walnuts that for some reason I thought were part of this process but really weren't...

The cornstarch station on the floor, because I'm not so great at this "clean kitchen" business...

the shrimp doing their thing in the pan...I guess this is similar to drying, whatever it is, it turned out AWESOME!

The shrimp before I coated them in that mayo sauce located behind them and then topped them with sugar coated walnuts. 

I failed you, internet, by not taking a final picture of the shrimp. To be honest, at this point I was pretty hungry, and wanted to actually sit down and watch the Rangers game. (It took me 6 full innings and some of pre-game to complete all of these.) I had to control myself, or else I could have eaten all of these shrimp in one sitting. I was glad that I had someone to share it with, and laundry to do so I could realize that I was full and didn't feel like I needed to eat them all. 

I have another adventure tonight, this time in baking. It's my co-workers birthday, and I'm making some cupcakes. I may post pictures from that adventure as well, just to make everyone hungry! :) 

What's Beautiful?

I find that writing things out tends to help me process things better, so this post is mainly just for me. (And anyone who chooses to read it...) In my adult life, I've only had two relationships that weren't relationships strictly based on sex. (My current one and one that I had about 8 years ago.) I was never really asked out on dates, so I chose to seek male companionship in the form of many friends with benefits. Needless to say, I've always had some body image issues because of it. I've never found myself attractive, and I know I can stand to drop a few pounds. I've always made up for it by being loyal, funny, and just a fun person to be around. (I took a random survey for those, I'm not bragging...too much.)

My current boyfriend (E) is a massive flirt. Sometimes I can take it, and then sometimes it gets to the point that it makes me a little uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable because I hear or see (online) him comment to other women on their attractiveness. The only time that I've gotten him to tell me he thinks I'm attractive are when I ask him, after the insecurity creeps in during these situations. I take that back, there was one other time, when we were both on our way to drunk in New Orleans...he looked at me and said, "You know I think you're beautiful, right?" I just chugged my drink because I didn't have the heart to tell him that he had never told me that, so how was I supposed to know.

It's become a joke among my friends that after he's been flirting with his female friends online that I get a text message from him saying that I make him happy. This is accurate about 90% of the time. Today was one of those days. (I'm not proud of how not pretty this gets) Before I can even think, I've already sent him a text saying that one day it would be nice to hear that when he isn't in the middle of flirting with multiple women. (I know. I can be a bitch sometimes.) I just started wondering if "you make me happy" is more of a "well, at least you got something going for you". I go to a very not so good headspace at this point, and begin to wonder if the reason he hasn't invited me to hang out with his friends is because he's embarrassed to be seen with me because I'm just that unattractive. (Not because I can be a bitch at times, or because I tend to get diarrhea of the mouth when I'm around, well, anyone.) I started crying after my workout because there really isn't much that I can do to change my physical appearance. Then, Jesse McCartney came on my playlist and I heard this:

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Your beautiful soul, yeah

Maybe that's where the disconnect lies between us. Maybe I'm too focused on what E thinks about the outside, when he's more concerned with what's on the inside. How would you describe a beautiful person? I finished my workout with a whole new mindset and a different ideal of beautiful to strive for. I'd much rather be known for a kind heart, being a supportive friend, loyalty, genuine, honest, intelligent, fun to be around, a great sense of humor, considerate, strong, and someone who not only respects others, but respects herself as well.