Compartmentalized Life

Today was a rare day for me. It was a day that I got so upset, that I had to leave my office and cry. That's the scary point for anyone who knows me. Anyone who knows me, knows that when I'm upset and ranting in the bitter barn, that once I get it out, I'm fine. It's when I get so mad that I start crying that you know I'm REALLY pissed off.

I know all moms, especially us single moms, have to compartmentalize our life. I work in college athletics, so my job requires lots of overtime hours. There have been weeks where I've worked 60-70 hours. (I worked two of these back to back when I was pregnant.) It's the nature of the job. My family and I schedule for them to be available to watch my daughter any time there is a game, whether I'm working or not, just in case I'm needed at the last minute. My daughter is used to spending Thursday night (or Friday morning) to Tuesday at my parent's house. Since I work lots of weekends, we felt it was best for her to get in this habit. She loves going to her "Bell City home" as she calls, and it gives me some personal time as well. I guess it's because my daughter spends more time away from me than she does with me from August - May, that I'm used to having my life compartmentalized. (It's been like this since she was born. Only then I was living in Tennessee, and would only see her in 2 week intervals.) There's work me, mom me, and social me. Many people haven't seen all 3, but those who have respect how difficult this life is for me. I don't ask that they feel sorry for me because it's a life I've chosen. I only ask that they try to understand, and respect that when my daughter is here, I'm 100% focused on spending time with her.

Today, I was asked if I could stay late tomorrow to help another department get something out. I don't have anyone who could watch my daughter for me. She's 2, so she's not at the age where I could bring her to work and she wouldn't want to help. Also, since she doesn't really get to hang out with Mommy that much, she would want my undivided attention. I explained to my boss that I don't have anyone to watch her, and he was fine with that. Heck, even our big boss understood. When my boss explained to this person that I didn't have anyone to watch my daughter, his response was that he had asked his staff to cancel their plans and this was a deadline everyone new about. REWIND. This person had NEVER mentioned a deadline to me. This person has NEVER spoken to me about this project AT ALL. My initial reaction was that this person was trying to say that I wasn't dedicated to my job because I couldn't find someone, at the last minute, to watch my kid so I could stay late. I'm sorry, but I put work before my child plenty of times. Asking me to do so at the last minute may not always get you a positive response because as a single parent, it isn't so simple. All I could think of was the amount of time I've given up with my daughter for this job, the amount of money I've taken from our family to donate to the department, and the amount of my money I've spent to support our teams at away games and conferences tournaments. The latter wasn't part of my job, except on a rare occasion. I've invested into this program. I bring my daughter to games. I'm raising a fan. The fact that I felt my dedication and my work ethic were being called into question is what upset me.

After reading that e-mail, I put my shoes on (I never wear them in the office), grabbed my keys, and just stood there for a few minutes. My co-worker could tell I was pissed. She told me that she had never seen me in full on mom mode before, and it was kind of awesome. I told her that I try very hard not to go into that at work. She told me that the fact that I compartmentalize so well is probably why some people forget that I'm a parent sometimes. When I was finally able to speak, I told her that I was going to take a walk. I left both of my phones (work and personal) and went for a walk. I went up to the suites, and cried for about 20 minutes. I went to another suite and cried for about 15 minutes. Then I just started walking. My boss told me that he and the big boss don't hold this against me, and they have my back on this. My boss told me not to let this guy get to me, but it's very hard.

It's very hard, because as a working single mom in a career that requires extended hours, I sometimes feel like a failure as a mother. I feel that one day my daughter will resent the fact that I work all the time. I feel as if I'm not there for her enough. Sure,when she isn't with me, I call her at least 4 times a day to check on her. (For the record, she doesn't really talk to me, she usually plays in the background, but at least she knows I'm calling and that I love her.) That's hard for me to deal with some days. Some days (more than I care to admit) I feel like I'm not a good mother. So when someone wants to insinuate that I should be willing, at the last minute, to work late instead of spending that time with my daughter, it upsets me. I love my crazy compartmentalized life, but I've given more to my job that I've given to my daughter. Days like today make me wonder if it's really worth it.