Compartmentalized Life

Today was a rare day for me. It was a day that I got so upset, that I had to leave my office and cry. That's the scary point for anyone who knows me. Anyone who knows me, knows that when I'm upset and ranting in the bitter barn, that once I get it out, I'm fine. It's when I get so mad that I start crying that you know I'm REALLY pissed off.

I know all moms, especially us single moms, have to compartmentalize our life. I work in college athletics, so my job requires lots of overtime hours. There have been weeks where I've worked 60-70 hours. (I worked two of these back to back when I was pregnant.) It's the nature of the job. My family and I schedule for them to be available to watch my daughter any time there is a game, whether I'm working or not, just in case I'm needed at the last minute. My daughter is used to spending Thursday night (or Friday morning) to Tuesday at my parent's house. Since I work lots of weekends, we felt it was best for her to get in this habit. She loves going to her "Bell City home" as she calls, and it gives me some personal time as well. I guess it's because my daughter spends more time away from me than she does with me from August - May, that I'm used to having my life compartmentalized. (It's been like this since she was born. Only then I was living in Tennessee, and would only see her in 2 week intervals.) There's work me, mom me, and social me. Many people haven't seen all 3, but those who have respect how difficult this life is for me. I don't ask that they feel sorry for me because it's a life I've chosen. I only ask that they try to understand, and respect that when my daughter is here, I'm 100% focused on spending time with her.

Today, I was asked if I could stay late tomorrow to help another department get something out. I don't have anyone who could watch my daughter for me. She's 2, so she's not at the age where I could bring her to work and she wouldn't want to help. Also, since she doesn't really get to hang out with Mommy that much, she would want my undivided attention. I explained to my boss that I don't have anyone to watch her, and he was fine with that. Heck, even our big boss understood. When my boss explained to this person that I didn't have anyone to watch my daughter, his response was that he had asked his staff to cancel their plans and this was a deadline everyone new about. REWIND. This person had NEVER mentioned a deadline to me. This person has NEVER spoken to me about this project AT ALL. My initial reaction was that this person was trying to say that I wasn't dedicated to my job because I couldn't find someone, at the last minute, to watch my kid so I could stay late. I'm sorry, but I put work before my child plenty of times. Asking me to do so at the last minute may not always get you a positive response because as a single parent, it isn't so simple. All I could think of was the amount of time I've given up with my daughter for this job, the amount of money I've taken from our family to donate to the department, and the amount of my money I've spent to support our teams at away games and conferences tournaments. The latter wasn't part of my job, except on a rare occasion. I've invested into this program. I bring my daughter to games. I'm raising a fan. The fact that I felt my dedication and my work ethic were being called into question is what upset me.

After reading that e-mail, I put my shoes on (I never wear them in the office), grabbed my keys, and just stood there for a few minutes. My co-worker could tell I was pissed. She told me that she had never seen me in full on mom mode before, and it was kind of awesome. I told her that I try very hard not to go into that at work. She told me that the fact that I compartmentalize so well is probably why some people forget that I'm a parent sometimes. When I was finally able to speak, I told her that I was going to take a walk. I left both of my phones (work and personal) and went for a walk. I went up to the suites, and cried for about 20 minutes. I went to another suite and cried for about 15 minutes. Then I just started walking. My boss told me that he and the big boss don't hold this against me, and they have my back on this. My boss told me not to let this guy get to me, but it's very hard.

It's very hard, because as a working single mom in a career that requires extended hours, I sometimes feel like a failure as a mother. I feel that one day my daughter will resent the fact that I work all the time. I feel as if I'm not there for her enough. Sure,when she isn't with me, I call her at least 4 times a day to check on her. (For the record, she doesn't really talk to me, she usually plays in the background, but at least she knows I'm calling and that I love her.) That's hard for me to deal with some days. Some days (more than I care to admit) I feel like I'm not a good mother. So when someone wants to insinuate that I should be willing, at the last minute, to work late instead of spending that time with my daughter, it upsets me. I love my crazy compartmentalized life, but I've given more to my job that I've given to my daughter. Days like today make me wonder if it's really worth it.

I'm An Addict

Working in college athletics has made it very difficult to cut back on fast food. Fast food type food is what is served for media meal. Fast food is just so much easier to pick up on the way home from a game. When I get home from a game, sometimes at 10pm or later, I just don't feel like cooking. My biggest problem is usually needing some caffeine and a snack to get me through games with start times of 4-6ish to the time the media meal is served. There are three fast food restaurants that are close to the university that I work at: McDonalds, Jack in the Box, and Sonic. Over the course of the past year, I've had to come to terms with something that I'm only slightly ashamed to admit.

I'm addicted to Sonic. 

There were many rationalizations that have occurred over the past few years. I tried to say that this was just something that occurred when I moved to Texas and Sonic was RIGHT THERE by the office. (Rationalization busted after remembering all of the trips out of my way to Sonic, especially during Happy Hour, when I lived in Nashville.) I tried to rationalize that I only go to Sonic on game days, so I'm really not addicted to Sonic. (Rationalization busted after remembering all of the special trips to Sonic when they offer me ridiculously cheap food, like yesterday.  $1 hot dogs for all!) I tried to rationalize that I only go to Sonic during happy hour, so I'm only going for a cheap caffeine fix. (Rationalization busted when I always come back from happy hour with an order of cheddar peppers or mozzarella sticks. EVERY TIME.) 

I even try to say that I'm not addicted to Sonic so much, as I am addicted a good deal. I know that's only part of it. (Sonic does an amazing job with their promotions. I may spend more time on this later because I do think they do a brilliant job.) The truth, as difficult as it is to admit, is that I'm addicted to Sonic. I go to happy hour on average twice a week. That's not including the fact that I go to Sonic at least once a week during non-happy hour hours. I eat more times at Sonic during a week than I order pizza. That's how I've come to admit that I have a Sonic addiction. (Although if I'm being honest, the first clue that I had an addiction should have been that the Sonic workers recognize my voice and know my happy hour order.) 

I'm not really looking to quit Sonic any time soon. I just received a gift card from one of my best friends, so I'm definitely not planning to quit Sonic during the spring sport season. I do feel that this summer, Sonic and I need to take a break. Not an intense 2 month break, we'll still see each other. I just feel that for the months of June and July, Sonic and I should see a little less of each other. But until then, I'll have my share of happy hour Dr Peppers and cheddar peppers to hold me over. 

Awesome Life Experiences

When I saw the blog prompt, "The 8 most...", I instantly thought about where I could go with that. The reality tv junkie in me instantly thought about listing the 8 most awesome moments I've witnessed on reality tv this year. The pizza lover in me wanted to offer you the 8 best pizzas I've ever had in my life. Since I did a blog post about how I think life experiences are worth more than material things, I opted to go with the 8 most awesome life experiences that I have had (so far).  Here they are, in no particular order, the 8 most awesome life experiences that I've had: 

1. Becoming a mother. Nobody can truly prepare you for what it's like to be pregnant, and ultimately give birth. I got pregnant unexpectedly, so I was definitely not prepared for what was about to happen. When my water broke, I had no idea. It wasn't this gush of water like you see in the movies. It was a small trickle that made me feel like I was constantly peeing. Since my back was killing, I had my parents drive me to the hospital, fully prepared to be told to go home. Once they confirmed that I was in labor, I immediately told my parents to call work and tell the guy who told me it was too early for me to be in labor that he was wrong. Proof that going through this pregnancy by myself did not steal my sense of humor. 

2. Spending a semester abroad. During college I spent a semester in London. This opportunity was worth the loans that I've had to pay back for it. I learned that I am very much a pub person. Give me a Strongbow, throw in a few new friends, and I'm set! When the group of us first arrived, they sent us in groups on a "treasure hunt" or sorts throughout London to teach us how to use the Tube. The next day, my friend Josh and I decided that we would take a random line as far as we could go, see what was there, and then head back in time to see Mama Mia! that night. We got off at our stop and went to a pub to grab a drink. After seeing someone's purse get stolen, and a sign that said "No hard drugs allowed", we decided we should probably head back. (We ended up in a not so great area, by the way.) We couldn't find our way back to the Tube station, so we decided to get on a bus. The bus took us right to the station, so that did us no good. We then saw the London Eye, and decided to just walk in that general direction. After all, we knew how to get back from there. (Or so we thought.) Many hours later, we were sprinting to join our class on their way out the door to the theatre. (Our teacher was NOT amused at our tale.) 

3. Singing the National Anthem at 2 MLB games. Back in the day, I was part of a youth choir that had the opportunity to sing the National Anthem at not one, but two MLB games. The first game that we got to sing the National Anthem for was an Orioles game when Cal Ripken, Jr. was on his streak. The next time was a Giants game. JT Snow and I had a moment, and it was awesome. I'm sure he felt the connection too, but he just couldn't say anything because of that age difference business. 

4. Attending the Kentucky Derby. I'm a horse racing fan. As a horse racing fan, I've always wanted to attend the Kentucky Derby. I didn't want to watch from the infield where the party is. I wanted to actually watch the races. I entered for years in a drawing to be chosen to purchase reserved seating, and was finally selected. I saved up enough money to purchase two tickets. I had hoped to only buy tickets to the Derby since I wouldn't be able to go to the Oaks, but it was a packaged deal, so I sucked it up. I asked my mom to go with me (my mom is NOT a sports fan), and she agreed. It was pouring down rain that day, and my mom wasn't thrilled that I wanted to get there RIGHT when gates opened, but we had an amazing time. The sun came out for the actual Derby race (of course it did!), and I went home a winner. There are no words to describe the emotion and the chills that come over you when "My Old Kentucky Home" is played. The best part about the day was getting to share something so special with my mom. 

5. Attending MLB Opening Day. I had bought tickets for my dad and I to attend Opening Day, but he had to work. My mom opted to go in his place, and we had a blast. My mom isn't a sports fan, so this story will show where her head was at. Being from Louisiana, we believe good food is a priority. As we were sitting in our seats, my mom saw someone come by with an awesome looking baked potato. We then spent over 3 innings attempting to hunt down these potatoes. We walked that lower concourse at Minute Maid Park like it was our job. We never found the baked potatoes. We settled for nachos, but they couldn't fill the baked potato sized hole in our hearts. 

6. Getting my Master's Degree. I was one of the older people who decided to go back to get my master's degree. I had been working in the legal field for 5-6 years, and always knew I wanted to work in sports. I wasn't having any luck breaking into sports through paralegal positions, so I packed up my life and moved to Nashville to get a Master's in Sports Administration. It was scary to leave everything I knew behind, but my 2 years in Nashville taught me so much about myself. You could say the pregnancy did that, but having to work full time (in college athletics), while attending classes at night, will prove to you just how much you can handle, pregnant or not. I also made some of the best friends that a girl could ask for, who helped me stay sane during my pregnancy. 

7. Attempting a food challenge. Ok, so this may not seem like an awesome experience to come people, but it is to me. I've always wanted to attempt a food challenge, so I found one where I conference tournament was set, and failed. I failed not near as miserably as I should have. I attempted the Cabilnasian, which is a calzone with over 1lb of sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers, marinara, ricotta and mozzarella cheese. I'm proud, (a small part of me is appalled) to say that I ate over half of this. It was amazing. It was worth the failure and $16 to say that I at least attempted to kill myself via carby goodness. 

8. Attending Mardi Gras in New Orleans. (Note - by "Mardi Gras", I mean Mardi Gras day, not any time during Mardi Gras season.) It's something that I've only experienced once, and once was enough. I wouldn't say no to doing it again, but next time I'll be ready for it. I've been to many parades during the season, but only once have I attended parades on the actual day. It's an experience that is beyond words. The parades, the people, the music, the food, it's all just ... perfectly New Orleans. I even have a Zulu coconut (the most prized Mardi Gras throw there is!) to commemorate the experience. I've never experienced a Lundi Gras, so that's definitely on the list of things left to do! 

There are plenty of experiences that are on the edge of the 8 most awesome life experiences (so far). Ask me on a different day, and one of them may have easily made their way onto this list. I'm pretty sold on this list though. Especially #7. I may attempt to do that again this year, if I can find that bar again. 

Happy Valentine's Day

This is the first Valentine's Day in a very long time (over 10 years) that I've had plans more involved than sitting on my couch in my pjs, eating pizza, and watching trashy tv. I've never been bitter about Valentine's Day. It's always just been another day to me. (The day after Valentine's Day was always more important due to the discounted candy.) I try to empathize with people who are bitter about the holiday, most of them being singles who are single for various reasons. I get that it can suck to not be in a relationship. I totally get that it sucks for the person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with happens to not be someone who is in your life anymore. I get all of that. I've been there. I don't understand the bitterness towards a Hallmark holiday that is designed to provide an approved day for people to show they care. Should you show the people you love that you care more than just one day a year? Absolutely. But for people like me who aren't totally comfortable with the traditional outward displays of love, it's nice to have a day set aside for that to be ok.

Perhaps that's why I've never really looked on Valentine's Day as holiday that has offended me. I've never felt that couples should hide their coupleness on Valentine's Day just to make me feel better about being single. I've never had a problem with being single. (Except for a brief period in time after the whole "So, I love you and said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but...PSYCH!" moment.) I've learned that there are different kinds of love that can, and should, be celebrated, and my friend Erika does a great job of reminding people of that on Valentine's Day:

"Today, whether you're single, part of a couple, or somewhere in between, remember that there are many different kinds of love: love for one's self, love for one's partner, love for one's friends, love for one's family, love for one's world. Treat everyone you meet today with love and kindness- not because it's Valentine's day, but simply because it's the right thing to do." - My awesome friend Erika

This year, I will be spending Valentine's Day with TF at a Boyz II Men concert. (They're on the casino tour, that should tell you all you need to know about where they are career wise.) I woke up uber ecstatic about this concert. That went downhill fast when a few of you alerted me to this bitter party he was a part of on Twitter. Granted, TF was not fully in bitter mode, but his encouragement of people's right to be bitter today has put a damper on my excitement. If he feels people have a right to be bitter today, I honestly feel like he's only spending today with me because he feels it's some sort of obligation. To be honest, I would be happy being at home by myself in my pjs, eating pizza, and watching trashy tv. Would I prefer to be spending today with him? Of course I would, but I don't want to spend today with someone who sees it as an obligation when I could be spending it with people I love, even if I love them in a non-romantic way. I've always felt today isn't a day to celebrate romantic love, but a day to celebrate love in the many forms that it comes in. I fully agree with the thoughts above from my friend. My personal opinion? But the only people who should be bitter today are the people who have nobody who either loves them currently, or has loved them in the past, in any capacity.

It Never Works!

Anytime I try to follow any tips from any parenting advice forums, it (usually) never works. Kiddo turned two in September, but the terrible twos are just now hitting us in full force. (All prayers appreciated.) Nothing that my mom and I try seem to work when it comes to tantrums. A while back, I got this lovely e-mail from Pampers about how to help tam the toddler tantrums. They offered me, as they called it, "parenting advice that will set you up for success." They're baby experts, right? Surely this is the information I need to help get through this season in our lives! I read the e-mail. I digested the information. I put it into practice. It didn't turn out as magical as I thought. Here's how putting these tips into real life worked out for me:

(1) Offer Options - I get that kiddo doesn't get to control much in her life, so I can get behind offering her options. I've been doing this for a while now. Do you want the butterfly juice or the bicycle juice? Do you want to bring Charlie Brown or Sally? Do you want to watch Thomas or Super Why? These are questions that occur on a daily basis in our house. However, the scenario usually goes like this:

K: Mommy get you a juice?

M: What do you say?

K: PUH-WEEEEEEAAAASE.

M: Do you want butterfly juice or bicycle juice?

K: Butterfly juice.

M: Ok. Mommy's going to the kitchen to get you a butterfly juice.

M walks to the kitchen to retrieve the juice. Kiddo begins to follow and starts saying, "Want butterfly juice. Mommy will get you butterfly juice. BUTTERFLY JUICE," all while sobbing uncontrollably as if I'm not getting the juice out of the cabinet.

(2) Stick to a Schedule - With my work schedule, kiddo splits time between being with me in Texas and with my parents in Louisiana. Working in college sports as a single mom means you have a crazy schedule and you take the free child care as you can get it. Kiddo is in a routine where she's in Texas certain days and Louisiana certain days, with it occasionally changing based on other things going on. My parents and I try as much as we can about keeping things consistent for kiddo. She eats lunch between 11-12 to keep with the time she eats it at school. She eats dinner around 5. She begins her wind down routine for bed around 9. (Sometimes she gets to stay up a little later if she's in Texas and I'm not getting back from work too long after that.)

I also understand that toddler cannot grasp time, so telling kiddo that she has so many more minutes to play with whatever she is playing with is really a waste of time. She loves music, and is usually listening to a cd, so I try to keep it in terms of x number of songs. If she's watching Zoe dance on my laptop, I'll let her know how many more songs Zoe can dance to before we need to let Mommy's computer take a break (or go to sleep if it's bedtime.)

To be honest, this has been hit or miss. It all depends on what she's doing after whatever she is enjoying is over. If it's bedtime, she usually doesn't fuss. Usually...when she fusses, she makes it count! If it's brushing her teeth, you would think I'm the most horrible parent in the world with the screams that can come out of that small body.

(3) Acknowledge Your Toddler's Point of View - I understand validating kiddo's feelings. Sometimes acknowledging kiddo's feelings seems to lead to a bigger break down than would occur if I had just not said anything. Example:

M: Ok, puddin, it's time to go to (insert location here)?

K: Take Sally.

M: Ok, you can bring Sally.

K: Take Charlie.

M: No, puddin. We can only bring one friend with us. Charlie will sit here in your chair and wait for you.

K: *starts sobbing* Charlie will wait for you *sobs harder as we walk out the door determined to show the world that I'm a mean mom*


(4) Use Humor - I try this one ALL THE TIME. I think I'm pretty funny, so of course kiddo should think I'm funny. I also get mixed results with this one. Sometimes, I'm able to use humor to deflect from what is upsetting kiddo. Other times, kiddo looks at me like I've gone crazy and just takes the tantrum up to 11.

K: Baby (what she calls her grandmother) get up.

M: Puddin, baby was sitting there first. You can sit in the chair next to her.

K: Want Baby to get up! *sobs*

M: How about you and Mommy do the dilly dance?

K: WANT BABY TO GET UUUUUUUUUP *banshee style screams*

M: *gets up and starts the music and begins to dance*

K: *stares at M* Mommy won't dance *sobs* Baby get up PU-WEASE!

This parenting thing isn't as easy as my parents made it look. Having them go through it with me allows me to see that it was never easy for them as well. They're just as clueless as I am right now. Considering I think they're awesome parents, knowing that they winged it and I turned out just fine (debatable if you ask my brother) makes me feel like it's ok to wing it and see where we end up.

Bucket List - Texas Style

I was so busy at work yesterday that I missed that everyone was talking about bucket lists! While I do have an overall bucket list that I'm constantly adding things to, I did one for Valentine's Day as a gift for my boyfriend. He's a native Texan, and I'm a Cajun. I admit that I know nothing about the state of Texas, even after living here for a year and a half. To prove this, I attempted to locate major Texas cities on a blank Texas map. (I was no where close on a few, but in the general area on most of them.) I also made a gift basket of products from Texas based companies that I love (ex: Dr Pepper, Shinerbock, etc.). I also made a Texas Bucket List. I felt this would give me ideas on what to do this summer when I have some free time, and hopefully this would be a basis for many trips to come. It's a work in progress as well, but here is my Texas Bucket List: 

- Eat a donut the size of my head (Round Rock)

- NASA

- Texas Craft Brewers Festival

- All zoos/aquariums (why pick when you don't have to?)

- Natural Bridge Caverns

- Fredericksburg

- Tour the Blue Bell factory 

- State Fair (who doesn't love a good fair?)

- Shiner Brewery Tour

- Austin Bats

- Circus Museum in San Antonio

- Stonehenge II

- Grapevine at Christmas

- Crawfish Festival (As a Cajun, I'm intrigued that Texas would have one of these) 

- Cowboy Mardi Gras (Again, I'm intrigued by the combo) 

- Learn to ride a horse

- Spray paint a car at Cadillac Ranch (I've got mad art skills!)

- "Marvel at the painted churches in Little Bohemia" (To quote Texas Monthly) 

- Tree Sculptures in Galveston

- Gorman Falls 

The more I looked into what Texas has to offer, there is a never ending supply of things to do in this state to keep myself from going bored when I actually have time to explore it. 

Olympic Sized Rant

Most people find what I'm about to admit very hard to believe, but I feel that I need to make this admission anyway. I grew up playing sports. I played a sport at the collegiate level. I currently work in sports. I'm a fan of certain teams and sports at various levels of play. Knowing all that, I must admit that I am not a fan of the Olympics. (Let that sink in before you continue.) With that knowledge, what I'm about to say, may be a slightly touchy subject.

It's not that I don't enjoy watching the Olympics. I'm not going to go out of my way or schedule my day around watching them. The main thing I don't like about the Olympics, and the World Cup for that matter*, are the people who dislike sports year round but become huge fans during the Olympics. People, like my boyfriend, who aren't into hockey, but all of a sudden this morning I see multiple people discussing Olympic hockey on social media as if they are huge fans. (Side note: I LOVE hockey.) Some of these people are making comments that show they don't know anything about hockey, but bless their hearts, they are going to offer their thoughts as if they do. (Example, my boyfriend) This happens every time the Olympics and World Cup roll around. People who admit to not liking sports, some of the same sports that they are watching during the Olympics, will adjust their schedules to be home to watch these sports. This isn't just an Olympic issue, it happens during the World Cup every year. One of my old roommates, who admits to not really liking soccer, will wake up at whatever time the US is playing in the World Cup to watch the game and will all of a sudden become a soccer expert and cheer as if her citizenship depended on it.

I wish the people who have this crazy love for sports during the Olympics and World Cup would have the same crazy love for these sports and their athletes year round. If you are only going to become a "fan" during events such as the Olympics and World Cup, then please just be honest about what you are looking for in these events. What you're really looking for is US domination via athletics.







*Note: This rant could also apply to any major sporting event. I have attended many a Super Bowl party and not cheered because the Saints weren't in it. I've enjoyed the company and the food. I've only cheered for a team besides the Saints when I was at a party and none of us had a dog in the fight so we drew teams to root for and losers had to buy dinner for the winners. Under terms like that, this random cheering is acceptable.

Experience v. Material Thing

I was watching a rerun of America's Next Top Model recently and one of the models made a comment that stuck with me. She had just won one of the challenges, and all of these challenges have prizes for the winner. Her prize was a helicopter ride (with two "friends" in the group of wannabe models) over Hawaii. After she got back and the other girls asked how it was, her response was that it's not like it was jewelry or a Wal-Mart gift card. (Some of the other prizes that were won by other girls.) Another model commented that the rest of the girls would have given anything to have gotten that experience, but the winner couldn't appreciate it.

This made me start to think about how many people tend to value material possessions versus life experiences. We get caught up in having to have the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect clothes, for ourselves and our children. We get caught up in having to have the accessories for ourselves and our house that will take those perfect things we already have to higher level of perfection. That makes some people happy, and I don't fault them for that. Having the next best thing isn't what makes me happy. What makes me happy is being able to save up for an experience that I may only have one chance to experience.

I'm the kind of person who prefers the life experiences. You can see this by looking at my life bucket list. (One day I might post it on here.) It's full of places that I want to travel to. I also tell people that when I retire, I want to be one of those people who drives around the country in an RV and collects stickers for each state they've visited. As part of the Valentine's gift for my boyfriend, I made a bucket list of places I wanted to see here in Texas. Some of my travel highlights include the semester I spent in London (side travels to Scotland, Wales, France, Germany and Italy), the Kentucky Derby, Opening Day for Major League Baseball, Boston (one of my FAVORITE cities to visit!), and Mardi Gras in NOLA. There's nothing that I would rather have in my possession than the memories of those trips.

It's not that I don't like to receive gifts! I love gifts! I just enjoy spending time experiencing things with people I care about, even if it's just myself, a little more.

Couples Therapy = My Therapy

(Taken from my blog about my dive back into the dating world)

Everyone who knows me likes to laugh that I'm a self-proclaimed reality tv junkie. I have the amazing (is it really amazing?) ability to weave pop culture, specifically reality tv, into most conversations and be able to relate it. I told my parents I wanted to get my master's degree in Pop Culture originally, and they weren't too thrilled with that. (You know, that whole 'will it land you a real job' thing. I have a master's in Sports Administration, so I guess that 'real job' theory is still out the window.) There are a few shows that I've gotten sucked into recently, and my friends have told me I should start blogging about them. I know most people will expect this post to be funny, but this episode hit a little too close to home. Let's just say that I was basically in therapy watching this episode and it's taken me this long to recover from that unintentional therapy session to be able to talk about it.

When we're introduced to today's topic, which is sex, Dr. Jenn offers a pretty damn good take away right off the bat. "At it's best, sex is an extension of how you feel about your partner. At it's worst, it is shaming, it is conflict, it is difficulty expressing yourself." Way to get deep early, Dr. Jenn. (I may have started drinking at this point, so I took notes.)

This episode mainly focused on the two couples that I tend to identify more with their problems: Ghostface and Kelsey, and Whitney and Sada. That was the moment I knew this wasn't going to be an easy episode to watch.

Ghostface and Kelsey offer an entirely different level of work for me because it is eerily similar to my relationship with The Original. For a while, I felt just like Kesley. I learned that I either had to accept it as is or GTFO. It worked as is for a while, until I decided I wanted more than that and knew he wouldn't be willing to offer it. Kelsey is getting tired of Ghostface having sex with other women. Dr. Jenn tells him that a woman starts to bond with someone she has been with intimately for months. I think he gets it, but he's very dismissive of Kelsey's feelings because she knew what she was getting into. When Ghostface talks to Dr. Jenn one on one, he explains that Kelsey didn't tell him half of what she was saying in therapy. Dr. Jenn brings up that it's because Kelsey didn't want to lose him, and it makes me realize that Ghostface just honestly didn't realize how much Kelsey cared about him. He's apparently been with this other chick a year longer than he's been with Kelsey, so I think he's really confused at this point. However, Ghostface does little to make anyone like him after the one on one session.

Dr. Jenn tells Kelsey, "Just be careful. When you let someone just give you crumbs of their love, you start to believe that's all you deserve." Ghostface brings up the idea of sitting down with the other woman and Kelsey flips out about the bomb he just dropped on her. (Ghostface totally tries to say this is similar to him finding out Kelsey was a stripper 4 years ago. I agree with Dr. Jenn, totally different than saying, "Hey, sit down with me and this other chick I'm fucking and let's do some therapy.") Kelsey is now trying to figure out which of the two women is the side chick versus the girlfriend. Then the moments where Kelsey should either punch Ghostface in the face, walk out of the house, or some combo of both should have happened. "She should be madder than you." Did Ghostface really just go there? "I still love you." Really? I'm thinking someone is just horney and Kelsey is the chick who happens to be there at the moment. (Trust me, it's hard to accept when you are THAT chick.) "You wanna do me a favor?" Um, not really, but she agrees anyway. "Get me some apple juice." Duty calls for Kelsey. "What, no ice?" And he doesn't understand why she just threw that drink in his face? Is Ghostface really that oblivious? If so, I think I found someone more oblivious than TF.

We'll end with the issue that Sada and I both need to work on because it hit me even this morning. Many of you know that I don't feel that TF finds me that attractive because he doesn't say it. Oh, sure, now I'll get "I like that shirt" or "I like that outfit" but as far as telling me that he finds me attractive, the odds of that happening are pretty slim, and I feel like I have to fish to get them (which I hate). However, he has plenty of compliments along those lines for his female friends. I guess the fact that he's with me should be all the confirmation that I need on that? I get that I'm not as attractive as the people he's complimenting, but would it hurt to at least make me feel like it? It's led to a similar problem in Sada and Whitney's relationship from this episode. I like to call it the "Authentic Compliment Meter", and Sada tends to use it often. For me the ACM tends to come up when I mention that I would like to hear these compliments. I feel the only reason that he compliments me on appearance (even in a round about way) is because I've asked him to. I start to wonder if it's really an authentic compliment or not. Of course, this is entirely self destructive and I'm trying very hard to work on not immediately trying to figure out why he's giving me the compliments. I get that he loves me. I get that he is willing to have sex with me. But every now and then a girl likes to hear that the guy she's with thinks she's attractive.

I hate when reality tv hits close to home. It's supposed to be my escape from the world. However, I feel this post shows that reality tv isn't just something that can offer you a laugh. It's also something that can offer you more insights into your own life than you could ever realize.

Chocolate Thunder Love

Let me just preface this post by saying "Chocolate Thunder" is not a pet name that I've given my boyfriend. He's not overly chocolaty, more like a cafe au lait. Chocolate Thunder is the name given to who I cheated on him very heavily with last night. Chocolate Thunder and I spent all of pre-game and the first half of the Super Bowl getting, shall we say, very well acquainted. So well acquainted, that it was hard to pull ourselves away from each other to even watch the commercials. Who is Chocolate Thunder? He is the chocolate fountain that was at the first Super Bowl party Cat and I attended last night. (Yes, you read that correctly, a chocolate fountain. Imagine Golden Corral, but on a much smaller scale.)

It was hard not to notice Chocolate Thunder when we walked into the house. How could you not be drawn in by the multiple flowing tiers of chocolate? I was a moth to a flame. I couldn't say no. The hunger tension was more than I could handle. Oh, sure, at first I tried to stay away. I would walk over and select a piece of fruit, cover it in a small amount of chocolate, and then walk away. But the chocolate just kept flowing, and I had to try a strawberry, then a banana, then an apple, and then a pineapple. I tried very hard to resist, but it kept seducing me with the sound of the motor, the sweetness of the fruit, and the flowing chocolaty goodness. After the National Anthem, I couldn't take it anymore. I was too weak. I officially marked my territory and staked my claim worse than any animal in heat. I pulled a chair right in front of Chocolate Thunder, and never turned to face the TV unless I felt a hint of shame. (Which did not happen often) For a solid half, I plunged anything I could get my hands on into Chocolate Thunder, except for the grapes. The grapes did not feel the chocolate dipped void in my heart. 

But chocolate dipped fruit wasn't enough for me. No, I had to prove my love and devotion to Chocolate Thunder. I took an orange muffin and dipped it in, and I was rewarded with a chorus of angels singing, my body going numb, and THE sigh...(all you ladies know what I'm talking about...) It was too much. Could I be so fickle with my affection? Is this all it would take to lure me in? The answer is yes. The feelings that overcame me as I ate this delectable pairing from heaven were so strong, that I couldn't finish the entire muffin. It was then that I felt true shame. How could I let this happen? I began to eat my steak, and I could feel Chocolate Thunder begin to question my devotion. It was as if I was using Chocolate Thunder, and I didn't want that to be how we left things. I went back for the fruit, and I continued to dip. I continued to dip until my shame of being the kind of person who would use Chocolate Thunder truly sunk in. There were 3 minutes left in the half. I had to leave. If I didn't leave, I may have been drawn in further down this road of chocolaty whoredome, and I couldn't let that happen. 

It was very difficult to walk away from Chocolate Thunder, as it is to walk away from all temptation. While Chocolate Thunder and I may never meet again, there will forever be a chocolate dipped bond that we share. I only hope that my boyfriend can forgive me for this lack of willpower on my part.