Most people who begin a story with, "on that day.." can probably remember the exact date. I cannot remember the exact date, but I can remember all of the emotions and where I was when it happened. On that day, the day I decided to keep my daughter, I grew up.
Let me provide some background. I became pregnant when I was 27 years old. From the time I was 13, I had been told by my gyno that due to some issues with my ovaries, I would not be able to have children unless I took fertility drugs. I had accepted the fact that I would never have children. After an extremely drunken one-night stand, I got pregnant. No fertility drugs. While on birth control. Everything the doctor's said could never happen, did happen.
The weird thing is, I knew I was pregnant when it happened. Weird, but I just knew. In fact, that next Sunday at church was the Right for Life Sunday, and I broke down in tears and had to leave because I knew I was pregnant and had no clue how I was going to (a) explain to my Southern Baptist parents that I got knocked up by a guy who's last name I didn't know (who also didn't know my real name), (b) manage to complete graduate school while being pregnant (abortion was not an option for me), and (c) how would I be able to handle being pregnant by myself being so far away from my family.
The first two trimesters, I spent the time reviewing bios of perspective families for my daughter. I felt even worse because I knew I would never be able to provide the life that any of these families would be able to provide. I had begun speaking to one family, and I really liked them. However, one night I had a very strong feeling. I've always believed in fate, and that things happen for a reason. In order for me to become pregnant without taking fertility medication, the stars had to align. (I'm not proud at the amount of sex partners I've had, but it's not like this was my first drunken one-night stand.) I began to get the overwhelming feeling that I was meant to keep my daughter. I called my grandmother because I felt maybe she could help me figure things out. While on the phone with her, I burst into tears and told her that I couldn't put my daughter up for adoption. She told me that she had known all along that I would keep the baby. God had already told her, and she was just waiting for me to listen to Him and accept it.
My life has done a complete 180 since making the decision to keep my daughter. It's all been for the best. It's still a challenge that I'm working on, but I've done a better job of not bringing work home. I'm still struggling to balance the career that I have, which requires working lots of events after hours and on weekends, and being a mom, but my family has been very supportive and have helped me overcome any insecurities that I had before making the decision to keep my daughter.
On that day, I grew up.
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