If you didn't know any better, you could say that my most recent relationship played out perfectly to a song off of One Direction's latest album. Fool's Gold seems to be the story of the relationship, at least from my end.
I’m like a crow on a wire/You’re the shining distraction that makes me fly/I’m like a boat on the water/You’re the raise on the waves that calm my mind/Oh every time
And I know in my heart you’re not a constant star
I seemed to have a sense that this wasn't going to last from the beginning. He was all about moving back home, and I'm not in a position for a long distance relationship right now. I have more responsibilities than I used to, being a parent and all, and now that I work in sports, it's more difficult to get away just for a weekend and spend time with anyone.
But he was a nice distraction for me. He made me feel like maybe I could be worth it to someone in the end. Maybe someone would actually like being around me for me, and not what I could do for them. For the first time, in many years, I made an effort to be committed to this relationship.
And I was.
And yeah I’ve let you use me from the day that we first met/But I’m not done yet/Falling for you/
Fool’s gold/And I knew that you’d turn it on for everyone you met/But I don’t regret falling for your
Fool’s gold
I always felt like, on some level, I was a rebound. He still wasn't over his ex-wife, and it was more than a little obvious. Somehow I felt that this was what I needed at the time. Someone could maybe couldn't give me a hundred percent because I felt that I wasn't in a position to give someone a hundred percent. And if you don't give someone a hundred percent, then you can't get hurt, right?
About the second or third time we hung out, I realized that I needed to be all in because it wasn't fair to either of us if I flaked out. I stopped communicating with all casual sex partners. No flirting with guys just for the sake of flirting or to see if they would throw me a bone. I even stopped hanging out with my male friends exclusively. Since his ex-wife had cheated on him, I didn't want to give him any reason to believe that I would do the same.
It took many fights and a very long time before I got the same from him. He's a flirt. He's BIG into throwing out compliments on a woman's attractiveness (unless he's dating them, at least that was my experience). He would talk very openly and publicly about fetish sex with another female, and then basically told me it was me or her at one point very early in our relationship. I rolled with it, but soon it was too much to be second best to everyone else.
I’m the first to admit that I’m reckless/I get lost in your beauty and I can’t see two feet in front of me/And I know in my heart, you’re just a moving part
I took my thoughts to the blog I had started about my online dating experience, and it was really the only way that I could put my thoughts out to him where I felt like he would listen to them and not get instantly defensive. This also opened our entire relationship, the good, the bad, and the ugly, to my friends. Many of them reminded me of the similarities to some of my past relationship attempts that proved, just as the song said, he's a moving part and will be leave once I become fully invested.
I didn't listen. I turned into THAT girl that I always complained about my friends being. The one who truly believed that if you love someone enough things will turn around. "Sure, he was with another girl when my friend and I were having car trouble and he wouldn't leave to come help us, but next time he TOTALLY will!" "Sure, he's never told me I'm attractive but will tell almost anything with a vagina it's hot if it will make them feel better, but ONE DAY!" "I know it's been a year and most of his friends don't even know I exist, but it can't be because he doesn't want to be with me. It must not have come up, yet." "Sure, he's never waned to see me completely undressed and doesn't look at me when we're getting frisky, but that's because I could stand to lose a few pounds."
THAT girl. The one that everyone blesses her heart because she's delusional and pathetically in love with a man who she knows doesn't love her back in the same way.
And yeah I’ve let you use me from the day that we first met/But I’m not done yet/Falling for you
Fool’s gold/And I knew that you’d turn it on for everyone you met/But I don’t regret falling for you
Fool’s gold
I didn't want to believe it because I really liked him. I enjoyed his company. He was ok sitting on the couch and watching my trashy reality shows with me. (Was that a sign?) He was ok going with me to my library even if I would be there for hours selecting just the right books to take home. He was ok with my cooking, even when it was terrible. He would come to games I was working and watch, sometimes, really bad games. I liked him so much that I asked him to meet my child (which he flaked out....sign, maybe?). I liked him so much that I invited him to help with my Christmas decorating tradition, which until last year, was a solo act by choice.
Yeah I know your love's not real/That’s not the way it feels/That’s not the way you feel
Somewhere, deep down, I knew he didn't love me like I loved him. I knew he loved me more like his female friends. He would never really open up to me. He would let me get a foot in the door of his life, but that was as far as he was willing to let me in. At first, I thought he was just scared. Then after a year, I realized it was by choice. Sure, he claimed it wasn't. He said he loved me, but I'd seen him tell many females that he loved them and then he would turn around and tell me that he didn't mean it in the same way. To me, if you're telling everyone you love them, how does that make me special?
It didn't feel that his love was just platonic for me, even though I knew it was. When he would look at me, I felt like maybe he really did love me. Looking back, I think he may have wanted to, but he chose not to show it out of fear.
In the end, life hit him in a big way. Things happened that blindsided me. I felt some of them I should have at least been given a heads up on, only in the sense of "hey, I know we talked about that trip, but you might not want to spend money on it because it might not happen".
He didn't trust me.
To me, you can't love someone if you don't trust them. I'll admit that I haven't handled this very well these past few weeks. He's moved back home, and instantly went back to how he was in the early stages of our relationship. Even though we're not together, it hurts that he went back to that so quickly. It's made me feel like I really wasn't important. Like it didn't matter. As Marianus Trench would say, "This just feels so soon."
To show you how not well I'm taking it, my neighbor caught me going all office space on the gift I bought him for Christmas. He was supposed to be here. He was supposed to be helping me decorate for Christmas. I was supposed to be cooking for him. Instead, I was here and he wasn't. It stung a little bit. Ok, I won't lie, it stung a lot.
And yeah I’ve let you use me from the day that we first met/But I’m not done yet/Falling for you
Fool’s gold/And I knew that you’d turn it on for everyone you met/But I don’t regret falling for you
Fool’s gold
I know that I'll be fine, Do I regret opening myself up to the pain I'm experiencing now? Not at all. Do I hope that he truly finds happiness? Absolutely. Do I hope that he finds someone that he can trust? Of course. Do I hope that he finds someone that he isn't ashamed to tell his friends about and/or be seen out in public with? Yep. Do I hope he finds someone that he also finds attractive? Damn right!
But do you want to know what I hope he finds most of all?
I hope he finds true happiness in himself. I hope he opens himself up to let people care about him, even if it means he might get hurt. I hope he doesn't let life kick him in the ass and keep him down. I hope he realizes that he IS worth it. I hope he realizes that he's an awesome guy and doesn't need to pretend to be someone he's not so people will like him. I hope he realizes that if he does have to pretend, then those people aren't worth his time. I hope he realizes that life doesn't always play out how we would like it to, but always plays out how it's supposed to.
<3
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