Overcoming Shame and Pain

That was the title of my devotion this morning. I'm on day one of a 31 day series entitled Women of Courage. As soon as I read the title of the devotion, I knew that God had something planned out for me to read. The scripture is from Luke 8:42-48 and to sum the story up, it is about a woman who has had a physical condition that has made her unclean by the standards of society. She has faith that if she can just touch Jesus, that she will be healed. She risked everything to be in the crowd that day just to have the chance to touch him. She pushed her way through and was able to barely touch his cloak. She was instantly healed. Jesus had felt the power leave him, so he turned around to find out who had touched him. The woman was intimidated, but came forward to tell her story. Jesus said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

The author of the devotion goes on to say that most people have something in their past that they are ashamed of. The question follows as to what would we do if our hidden sin was made public knowledge. I know about this all too well. For many years, I used casual sex as way to feel a connection with guys, without actually having to make a connection. I'm not the most attractive person, and I tend to get friendzoned quickly due to my love of sports and my ability to talk about them non-stop. I felt that casual sex was easy. I could feel some sort of bond, but never have to put myself out enough emotionally to get hurt. If a guy started to show interest beyond that, I made a point to make a quick exit and cutting off all communication on the way out. Then something happened that changed everything. I got pregnant from a one night stand.

Now, some people would say that this a way of my behavior catching up with me. However, it was a major shock to me because I had been told there was a very slim chance that I would ever have children because my ovaries are pretty screwed up. I was also on birth control at the time. Combine those two together and seeing the "pregnant" on the screen of the test was more than I could handle. Somehow I knew the day after that I was pregnant. I went to church the next morning and it was the Sanctity of Life Sunday and I just sat on the back pew and practically bawled my eyes out. God had let me know then, but I didn't want to admit it. Science had said that in order for me to have children it would take loads of money and fertility drugs and once I was told that I became completely career focused. God was right, I was wrong. I was going to have  a baby.

I dreaded making the phone call to my parents. If I was ever going to be rejected, this was the moment. My dad is a Baptist deacon and both he and my mom are Sunday School teachers. They were about to find out that their daughter was pregnant by a guy who's last name she didn't even know. The conversation went about as expected, but they came around. I found more support than I could have ever dreamed of in the people I worked with. I began interning with them 4 months early, and had just come on full time a week before getting pregnant. I believe that those 4 people were placed in my life to show me what unconditional love really is. They listened to me work out all of my emotions and never tried to push me to make a decision one way or the other. My friends were extremely supportive and while they made their thoughts and opinions known, they never tried to force me to follow their advice. They were honest but loving, and that's exactly what I needed.

Unlike the woman in the story, I didn't have faith that I would be accepted in my moment of shame. God used this situation to help me realize that I didn't need the fleeting feelings of acceptance that I had been looking for through casual sex, because I had His acceptance just as I was. He has shown me that the people who have chosen to stick around in my life through this situation are the people who's acceptance should matter to me. Especially the acceptance of my daughter, even when I don't live up to being the #moty she deserves.